hi! how’ve you been? it’s been a while. it seems like i’ve had an endless list of meaningless household tasks to accomplish over these last couple of weeks, which has been eating into the time i spend here. well, household tasks and online gossip sites. yes, i know how terrible that is. yes, i know i’m shallow. see you in hell!
so i was reading over some of what i’ve written here, and i noticed that i’ve left out some important steps in documenting my religious soul-searching. since i first talked to my aunt and uncle about orthodoxy, i’ve been doing a bit of reading up on the subject, and i’ve been asking them a ton of questions (they are incredibly well-read on the subject of religion). then, around the end of january, i went to vespers with my aunt. vespers is a saturday evening prayer service, and it’s short, compared to sunday liturgy (about 45 minutes instead of 90 or 120). after the service, we went out to dinner with the priest and another couple from the church. my aunt kinda set this up so i could ask her priest any questions i had from the reading i’d been doing. without going into a lot of detail, and without inadvertently misrepresenting the views of the orthodox church, let me just say that i came away from this meeting feeling disappointed and a bit confused. basically, i think my personal beliefs conflict too greatly with the views of the orthodox church for me to sensibly pursue an interest with potential conversion in mind.
look, here’s the thing: i’m a total social liberal. no matter what any priest may say, i just don’t feel right going along with the idea that homosexuality is a sin; that it’s something that you have to confess and pray god to help you with; that it’s something that should prevent you from taking communion; that it is a moral cross you must bear. i can’t explain why i feel this way, either – i’m not gay, and i don’t even have gay friends to stick up for. i certainly wasn’t raised in a liberal family, or in a liberal part of the country; i actually grew up in the bible belt. i feel that for me to be part of a church that teaches that homosexuality is sinful would be akin to me joining a church that says racism is okay. obviously, that was kind of a deal-breaker for me.
with my interest in orthodoxy somewhat squashed, i decided to check out the church where we have our m-ville moms gatherings. that started out okay. the thing about that church is that the demographics are perfect. the majority of the parishoners are late twenties/early thirties with young children. they wear jeans to church. they drink lots of coffee, and they’re really laid-back. they’re open and welcoming. but… they’re evangelical. the more i learn, the more i’m starting to think that they believe the bible is meant to be taken literally, which is something i disagree with. they talk an awful lot about how much they love jesus, and i’m just uncomfortable with that. they sing contemporary christian songs during the services, and people raise their arms up while they sing. i tried to tell myself that it didn’t bother me, but it does. i’m not sure why: maybe because i just can’t relate to what they’re feeling; maybe because i’m generally uncomfortable with such public displays of affection; maybe because i was raised in a nice, quiet methodist church. last sunday’s sermon was about the importance of “church planting,” and that’s when things relly started going downhill for me. because i’m not about to go spreading the good news to my atheist friends, much less strangers. i’ve got to figure out where i stand before i’m anywhere near qualified to put my money where my mouth is, so to speak. call me selfish, but this is about MY relationship with god. at least for now.
and that’s really what all this searching has been about: i feel that, since i’ve been out-of-touch with my spirituality, things haven’t been so great. i don’t like myself this way. i’m unbalanced, and it spills over into all the various roles i play: mother, wife, friend, daughter, niece, etc. that’s as in-depth as i’m going to get with that explanation. anyway, it sort of dawned on me one day several weeks ago that i needed to renew my relationship with god. at first, i was pretty concerned with the technicalities: what do i have to believe to be classified a member of religion x? i loaded up on books and set out on a quest for answers and information. all that reading was interesting, but it was really just creating more confusion than anything. so i put down the heavy religious tomes and picked up eat, pray, love, by elizabeth gilbert.
yes, i know it’s an oprah book. look, oprah picks some good books, okay? i know her show may be cheesy, but she’s a smart lady, you have to admit. and is encouraging people to read ever a bad thing? anyway, the book is great. here’s what i’ll be taking from liz gilbert’s experience: i don’t have to have all the answers, i don’t have to join anything, and i don’t have to subscribe to anyone else’s set of beliefs. i can go ahead and move forward. it’s funny; i always thought you had to do all that stuff to really believe in god. yeah, i don’t think so anymore, and that’s so refreshing.
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