back on the chain gang

so i got a job.  i’m pretty excited; this is what i’ve wanted to do since the bean was just a few months old, and the whole thing just kind of fell into my lap.  i wasn’t even looking for a job, but FINALLY my connections paid off.  not that i have many.  and not that i’m the type of person who makes friends with that sort of thing in mind.  it’s just always seemed like those people whose jobs i envy have somehow lucked into them.  from the start, i planned on going back to work when the bean hit preschool age.  and he’s only six months away from that, if we’re talking strict chronology (he turns three in march, but he wouldn’t officially begin a preschool program until next fall).  so really, i’m a year ahead of schedule.  and what that means is that dave will be able to go back to school sooner than we thought, which is the real benefit (he wants to go back for electrical engineering).  all of these things constitute good news, right?  RIGHT?!?

here’s what, though: change is scary.  i feel like dave and i are finally in a good place with our relationship.  it’s taken a lot to get where we are now.  things were rough after we had a baby, which was the last major change in our lives, and i am terrified to rock the boat again.  i’m sad for the bean, too, because he loves his litle two-day-a-week school.  he loves his teacher, and his classmates, and their class goldfish, and their little playground.  i am sad that he won’t see these people any more; that these are places he’ll never go again.  i’m afraid of being absent for so much of his day.  i’m afraid my heart will break.  then there’s my moms’ group.  those women have made such a huge difference in my life, and i don’t know what life will be like without our regular wednesday and friday gatherings.  i don’t want to lose touch with them, but there’s no way i can maintain the same level of closeness.  i already feel like i’m going to have to ration the hanging out because i’ll be spending all my free time either with dave & the bean, or cooking and planning meals and doing laundry.  and that makes me sad.

i had my last moms’ life group meeting yesterday, and there were only two of us there.  sharon said that maybe it would be easier that way; lots of fanfare might make it harder to say goodbye.  i think she was right.  afterwards, i picked the bean up from his last day at his current, part-time school, and it wasn’t as gut-wrenching as i expected.  we went from there to j’s house, which is where he’ll be staying until he’s off the wait-list at another, full-time school.  the bean has never met j or any of her kids, but on the way there, he was like, “go j’s house and watch ‘between the lions,’ mama!”  when we got there, he just walked right in and became part of the group.  j’s great, and her kids are great, and i’m pretty relaxed about leaving the bean there.  i can breathe now.

but then we got home, and the bean wanted attention, dave needed help figuring out his largely online math course, and i needed to make dinner and get to a book club meeting.  dave shut himself in the office, while the bean was running around, whining because i wasn’t paying attention to him.  i was chopping vegetables and trying to maintain  my composure in the kitchen.  i freaked out.  i think i’m still freaked out.  i had this vision of my new life, and it wasn’t pretty.  how am i going to do this every night?  how are we going to relate to each other when we never see each other?  is this the right thing?  is this a huge mistake?  what am i doing? 

and just like that, i’m gasping for air again.